Furries, I mean “Anthropomorphists”.
It’s official… I hate Furries.
Seriously.
I. HATE. THEM.
Last Friday night, I performed (well, “performed” would strongly suggest that I actually did my art which was not the case) in the Typewriter Girls: The Typewriter Girls Gone Furry show at Future Tenant Art Gallery on Penn Avenue in dahn tahn P-Burgh.
- Mistake #1 -
Agreeing to Perform:
No offensive to the lovely Typewriter Girls for they are phenomenal performers and producers, but yeah. I never should have agreed to be a part of the event. In general, I hate hosting. It’s just not my “thang” as the kids in 1999 would say… I don’t feel that (for me) hosting suits my best qualities as a performer. My comedy is very theatrical and has been described as “watching a one act play performed by one actor”. Therefore, hosting really limits my act ESPECIALLY when I am only given three minutes to perform. I was forced to do nothing but one-line jokes for the most part. Which I can, at times, enjoy. However this was not one of those times. To give you an idea of the room. Well, (pause). Have you ever seen the movie: Road House starring Patrick Swayze? You have? Great. Now imagine the movie Road House and visualize the actors? Have you done it? Well, close your eyes and do it, dummy! Did you do it? Okay. Now visualize that same scene and those same actors except this time imagine the actors dressed like fucking tigers and bears. Can you see it? It’s crazy, right?!!! Well, that was the fucking room that I had to perform my goddamn art in, okay?!!! And it sucked!
- Mistake #2 -
Dressing like a Furry:
- Mistake #3 -
Driving to the show dressed as a Furry:
To be honest, the drive to the venue was not that bad. However, the walk from the car to the venue was terrifying. Seriously. Two separate gangs of urban teens chased me. One group screamed, “Shark Bite! How about we give you a Shark Bite, Shark?! How would you like that, Shark?!! SHARK BITE, SHARK BITE, SHARK BITE!!!!!!!!!”. The other group chased me and simply screamed, “Furry freak!” repeatedly until I ran in front of a moving car to escape their hatred. Interestingly enough, the car that I ran in front of was being driven by a human dressed in a bear costume. The passenger (a young lady dressed like a cat) screamed, “Sharks can’t be furries!!!!” as they almost ran over me. I found it comforting that both Furries and Furryphobes hated me and my shark costume equally. Yay America!
- Mistake #4 -
Entering the Venue:
When will I learn? I get furry-bashed on my way to the gig. It’s a 100 degrees outside and I’m dressed like a fucking shark. I have kids chasing me. Cars practically running over me. I get to the venue and it’s like a goddamn movie premiere for freaks. There are loads of people either dressed in costume or taking pictures of the people dressed in costume. I was the only shark so photographers were going ape-shit trying to get a picture of me. The weird furry chicks dressed like whore-ish cats were groping me and Phineas (who accompanied me on this adventure) like they just got out of an all-women’s prison. The folks working the gig were complete assholes. Three times I was stopped in a hostile manner and told, “Umm… Listen Shark. Everyone else had to pay. Why do you think you don’t have to?!!!!” to which I replied, “Well, usually when I host a gig I don’t have to pay”. Frankly, I can’t go into all of the details about the staff because that would require a separate blog. However, I knew right then that no matter what I said on stage that night (A) no one would be listening and (B) no one would be listening. Also, I was asked to host which generally implies that I would be the start of the show but when I entered the venue the show had already begun. I never should have entered the building.
- Mistake #5 -
Telling my jokie jokes:
There is this classic story about Larry David:
“When he was a stand-up comedian, he once walked on-stage and surveyed the crowd. Sensing no connection with them, he said, “This just isn’t going to work,” and promptly walked off the stage without performing any jokes.” – according to IMDB.
I should have pulled a Larry David.
Instead… I made jokes about orphans.
The furries booed me.
An organizer of the event motioned for me to “wrap it up” because the groans were getting loud.
I, Gab Bonesso, offended people who dress up like animals to have sex.
- Mistake #6 (Final Mistake) -
My parting words:
In reality my parting words were, “Really? You want me to wrap up my set? After two minutes? Okay. Great. This has been fun. Really. You guys really seemed to appreciate my art. You were a great crowd. I’m going to go now… And KILL MYSELF!
In fantasy my parting words were, “Way to be tolerant of my humor, FURRIES!!!!!”
- The Conclusion:
It is kind of interesting how some people who want to be accepted and tolerated for their own personal beliefs and feelings aren’t very tolerant towards people who think differently from themselves.
I’m reminded of some guy who had the shit kicked out of him by the fuzz back in ’92. He said something like, “Can’t we all just get along?”.
I’m not really sure what that means exactly. Frankly, it kind of gets on my nerves. Truthfully, if some jag said that to me and sounded sincere-like and was whining, “Why can’t we all just get along?” … Shit. I’d crack his ass with a nightstick too!
Just sayin’.
So in conclusion…
Dr. Martin Luther Rodney King Jr.,
Not even you yourself sir would be able to tolerate a Furry Convention.
Simply put: Furries are assholes.
Well, that’s my time.
I’m Dr. Gab Bonesso joined with my best friend Phineas (the shark) and we’ll catch you crazy kids next time here on: The Gab Bonesso Blog!
Don’t forget next week’s show at Bricolage Theater! Friday, July 9th at 8PM with special Music Guest: Whiskey Tango Foxtrot!!!!
Really? Sharks cannot be furries?
ReplyDeleteAccording to the woman dressed as a cat. And, well, she is the expert after all... M-E-O-W.
ReplyDeleteWhat about lobsters? Can Lobsters be furries???
ReplyDelete